I Carry Your Heart With Me

For this child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of him.

I Samuel 1:27

Parker's Story:

We were induced on Wednesday, October 10th.  My sweet husband, Mom, Dad, and Mother-in-law were with me every step of the way beginning on the 10th.  I couldn't ask for a better family.    I was past due and had only dilated to a 1 centimeter.  We checked into the hospital and I was given medicine that was supposed to help me dilate.  It pretty much started small contractions that lasted all night.  We tried the medicine for 18 hours, and well into October 11th, we still had no progress.  

On the 11th, the Dr. decided to break my water and give me medicine to start harder contractions to see if we could in a sense, trick my body into going into labor.  Well, my body did start to make progress...very very slowly.  By Thursday night, I was in a ton of pain and had dilated to a 3.5.  I opted for an epidural, being told by the Dr.'s that once you reach a 4 cm of dilation, everything moves really fast. I wanted to make sure, I was numb for the road ahead.  I had an epidural and my body rejected it.  I would not numb.  Yes, I am part of the 1% that has this reaction....they came back in and re-positioned the needle...still no effect...by this time, we were well into Friday morning on the 12th and I had dilated to around a 6 - and felt every centimeter of it!  We tried the epidural again, positioned higher in my back, with still no effect.  Again, that one was repositioned and still my body would not accept it.  

Most of the rest of our time was spent trying to figure out how to get me numb...by the time they checked me again that afternoon, I had dilated to a 9.5.  I was exhausted and starving.  During my labor I went through 4 shifts of doctors.  The last doctor finally advised we may want to consider a c-section.  We had a hard time deciding what to do, because I was so close to being fully dilated, but Parker was measuring to be quite big and who knows how long it would take me to dilate another .5 of a centimeter, plus the time to push him out.  I had been in labor for 52 hours.  It broke my heart because I felt like I had battled so hard, but we opted for a c-section, knowing I had no more energy.  They prepped me and in a matter of 7 minutes in the operating room I heard my sweet 8 lb. 9 oz. boy cry for the first time at 5:04pm.  My life has not been the same since.

The first picture I took of Parker.

It has taken me some time to get around to blogging...there is a reason for that.  Raising a child has been one of the hardest things, if not the hardest thing I have ever done (and I know, I don't know anything yet).  I knew it would be challenging, but I had no idea what exactly having a baby would be like.  There is no way to prepare yourself for it.  I have this precious human being that depends on me for every single aspect of his life...and might I add - he looks so stinking cute while doing it!  While you may think you are prepared, trust me, you are not!  

I was introduced to a completely different kind of love, that by no means can be explained.  It can only be experienced.  While it is a difficult task, raising a child is absolutely the most amazing part of my life.  There is no greater feeling in the world than walking into the room and speaking to Parker and watching him grin a big gummy grin.  My heart melts.  I would go to all extremes and measures to make sure that my child gets everything he deserves in life.  

So this Thanksgiving I am most thankful for Love.

I am thankful for a parent's love:

For the love I have for Parker and for finally understanding the love my parents have for me.

I am thankful for my husband and the love that we share. 

I am thankful that my husband gave me the most beautiful little boy in the world.

I am thankful to finally have an inkling of an understanding of how much God loves me.  I could never send my Son to die for the sins of others...but He did that for me and you. 

I am thankful for Grammy Lynne and Papa Ron and the love that we all share.  I am blessed with great in-laws.

Photo: Copyright Sally Gupton

I have been waiting to blog, trying to find the perfect song lyric or poem or something that reminded me of Parker.  Something that attempted to explain the kind of love I have for him.  That one day, he can look back on this blog, maybe when he has his own children, and understand exactly what I was feeling.  So I leave you with this:

I Carry Your Heart With Me

E.E. Cummings

 I carry your heart with me 

(I carry it in my heart)

I am never without it

(anywhere I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)

I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

 I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)

Photo: Copyright Sally Gupton